Genetically engineered mosquitoes may soon begin administering vaccination injections. Hypodermic Skeeters From the Files of Fortean Slips by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com Nature is a wonderful thing, but gosh darn it, it's not quite as perfect as it ought to be. Thank goodness we've got science on hand to combat every menacing inconvenience Mother Earth hurls our way. Natural sugar had too many calories, so scientists made NutraSweet; natural fat was too fattening, so scientists made olestra. And now, blessed with modern breakthroughs in genetics, there's no annoyance in creation that humans can't clone, reprogram and seal in a handy plastic package under a catchy trademark. Take, for instance, mosquitos. As the primary carriers of malaria, these hell-spawned abominations contribute to the deaths of over two million people a year. And they're responsible for wrecking a comparable number of picnics. All the citronella candles and Skin-So-Soft in the world has failed to eradicate this heinous glitch on nature's resume. But thanks to some fancy DNA fiddling, science now stands poised to make those pesky skeeters a little easier to deal with. With the tools we now possess, it would be simple enough to commit global mosquito genocide, but our scientists are going to go that solution one better. They plan to put the little bastards to work for us, by exploiting the one thing they do best: bite people. Professors Bob Sinden and Julian Crampton of England have developed a genetically engineered mosquito whose saliva contains an anti-malaria vaccine. Once released into the environment, the new species would act as a flying squadron of miniature hypodermic needles. Untold lives could potentially be saved by such an immunization. Of course, the super-skeeters could also wreak untold damage on the ecosystem at large. Sinden promises that they will not be cleared for takeoff until "all the implications have been carefully studied." The full details of the chromosome-crunching technique have not been disclosed, but Sinden and Crampton have been granted a patent on it. Whatever else may be in question about this endeavor, at least we know where the cash will be going. And we can rest assured that this is only the beginning. Maybe one bright day, there will be an insect to administer every vaccination, so we'll never have to waste time in a doctor's office again. We'll all smoke cigarettes made with genetically-engineered tobacco that cleanses the lungs of contaminants... chug frosty beer that enhances judgment and strengthens the liver... eat cholesterol-fighting burgers made from tiny, hairless, patty-shaped cows designed to spontaneously combust until grilled to juicy perfection... Ah, sweet progress. When the inevitable environmental apocalypse descends, at least we'll be nice and comfortable. (c) Copyright 1996 ParaScope, Inc. Next: The Earth Mover Fortean Slips Index What do you think? Share your views in the message boards!