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the secret ingredient that allowed the Druids to construct Stonehenge? |
From the Files of Fortean Slips
by D. Trull
Enigma Editor
dtrull@parascope.com
In ancient times
Hundreds of years before the dawn of history
Lived a strange race of people:
The Druids.
No one knows who they were
Or what they were doing
But their legacy remains
Hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge.
-- Spinal Tap
As much as it pains me to cast aspersions upon the lyrical genius of Tufnel and St. Hubbins, the lads only got it partially right. The Druids apparently had nothing to do with Stonehenge. The mystical megaliths were most likely assembled in phases by no less than three different societies over the centuries. So we really and truly don't know who these hard-rockin' architects were, or what they were doing... but archaeologists have their claims as to how it got done.
The prevailing theory is that the gigantic stones -- tipping the scales anywhere from 10 to 90 tons apiece -- were backbreakingly dragged atop a series of rollers by armies of over 500 workers, who met the Herculean task of positioning the stones and levering them upright.
Sounds impossible? That's what British engineer Mark Whitby thinks. "The archaeologists have not been scientific," he says. "They have invented this theory without examining the evidence or doing experiments. That's naughty."
Naughty? Okay, so Whitby can talk the mildly derisive talk, but can he walk the stone-shoving walk? Lest he be dismissed as a crackpot windbag, Whitby has recently constructed his own duplicate Stonehenge, using no modern technology. Whether his methods are right or wrong, you've got to admit, it's one slick hypothesis.
As part of a documentary for BBC2, Whitby and a crew of 120 brawny Britons assembled a replica of the Great Trilithon, the largest Stonehenge unit: two upright 40-ton stones with a 10-ton rock stacked across them. The construction took a mere five days. Hell, it takes me longer to make my bed.
The secret to Whitby's success? Grease is the word. And not just the elbow kind.
Years of research led him to conclude that Stonehenge was probably constructed by maneuvering roped stones across planks greased up with some oily lubricant that was available back then, such as butter or animal fat.
"I believe rollers were not used because the stones would tend to fall off," Whitby explains. "When you are shifting something heavy, you want to keep it going. I think the stones were dragged along a greased or iced surface such as one slippery plank on top of another, similar to a shipyard slipway."
Of course, the archaeological establishment is not suffering lightly this affront from a lowly engineer. Dr. Geoffrey Wainwright, chief archaeologist of English Heritage, vehemently denies the validity of Whitby's notions. "Archaeology is one of the most scientific disciplines," Wainwright charges. "He is taking a purely engineering view of this. Has he considered that Bronze Age man had a different diet and was probably a lot weaker than the strapping squaddies Mr. Whitby used for his experiment? Has he looked into whether they even had planks 4,000 years ago?"
It looks to me like the archeologist community could find a better spokesman than this Wainwright guy. His best counter-argument is to dispute the planks? Long pieces of wood... um, yeah, Geoffrey, that sure ranks up there with the Flintstones Christmas episode on the anachronism hit list. And as for the Stonehenge builders' being underfed wussies: well, what do you expect, if they wasted all their good butter and lard greasing up a bunch of big rocks?
Whitby has proven that his proposed technique is logistically sound; now I'd say it's time to go back and run some tests on the real Stonehenge. Scientists need to collect soil samples from the vicinity and determine their fat gram content. They should also check for any residue left on the stones themselves. Really, now, in all their years of so-called "scientific" research, how many archaeologists have ever thought to lick Stonehenge? If they can taste any rich, creamery goodness, we'll know once and for all that Whitby is right. But until that day, our noble engineer will remain a lone voice in the wilderness, tirelessly committed to his solemn vow:
"I can't believe it's not butter."
(c) Copyright 1996 ParaScope, Inc.
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