French President Francois Mitterrand sought guidance from astrologer Elisabeth Teissier. Memoirs of a French Horoscope by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com A lot of Americans harbor a vague dislike of the French, but apparently the French really have a problem with us. To be fair, it's not so much that they hate us personally as it is that they hate all things American: our language, our food, our culture (or lack thereof), and all the little peculiarities that make us the red-blooded, flag-saluting, butt-whoopin' people we are, God bless us. Which is why a recent revelation about France's late president Francois Mitterrand comes as such a devastating national faux pas. It turns out that Mitterrand secretly followed the advice of an astrologer in decision-making during his years in office -- just like that most offensively American of all U.S. presidents, Ronald Reagan. Sure, it was weird to learn that Reagan governed by horoscope, yet somehow it was a fitting flakiness within the whole Gipper gestalt. The Mitterrand expose, on the other hand, is causing the French people to turn up their noses in snooty spasms of dismay. Elisabeth Teissier, the most famous astrologer in France, has come forward with the news that she served as Mitterrand's advisor for seven years, using the stars to guide him in choosing his every political move, including military actions during the Gulf War. She has written a tell-all book on her presidential adventures, entitled Sous Le Signe de Mitterrand, or Under the Sign of Mitterrand. Mitterrand, who died of prostate cancer last year, had a reputation as an agnostic and a cynic, but apparently you don't have to believe in God to believe in the Zodiac. As Teissier explains it, he was "a typical Scorpio -- skeptical but practical and a man who liked to hedge his bets." When the two first met in 1989, Teissier says the first thing the president said to her was "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ava Gardner?" She attributes Mitterrand with "the charm of a great seducer." Frenchmen may draw some comfort from the possibility that this whole astrology thing was an excuse to hit on a chick. Teissier has been disputing rumors aplenty that Monsieur President's Venus was rising in the seventh house of Virgo, if you know what I mean. "Our relationship was strictly professional," she said. "I acted as his adviser and nothing more. It's dreadful what some people have been saying." When Mitterrand first asked Teissier about astrology, she told him that a dramatic historical event would unfold in November 1989. It came to pass that the Berlin Wall was torn down that month. Convinced, Mitterrand began to consult Teissier on an ongoing basis. It wasn't long before she prognosticated a major international incident, which she said was set to explode during the summer of 1990. In August, when Iraq invaded Kuwait, Mitterrand immediately called Teissier. He wanted her to compute Saddam Hussein's horoscope and determine what the dictator's next move would be. Teissier says she foresaw that Saddam would be very slow to pull back his troops, since he possessed "the same astrological cocktail as Hitler -- a Taurus with Libra ascendant." Mitterrand also applied Teissier's services to domestic matters, in squaring off against political adversaries and scheduling speeches. Towards the end of his life, the president asked about the unstoppable progression of his cancer, and how much time he had left. She refused to give him an answer, although she says she was certain he would not live to see 1997. It could be that Teissier has invented part or all of the story, pulling it out of thin air like a spuriously portentous star chart. She replies that numerous witnesses can vouch for her constant trips in and out of Mitterrand's office (hmmm!), and claims that she's not out to cash in on her late client's fame and position. After all, Mitterrand never paid a single franc for her services. So let's see here... assuming Teissier is telling the truth, we can conclude that our good buddy Francois was a whole lot more American than anyone ever imagined. Superstitious like Reagan, girl-crazy like Clinton, obsessive-compulsive like Nixon, and tight with dough like Ross Perot... Wake up and smell the pork rinds, you consonant-impaired fancy lads: your puny France is inexorably being assimilated into the star-spangled Yankee Doodle collective, and there ain't a damn thing you can do to stop it. Que sera sera, y'all. Sources: The Sunday Times (London); Paris Match (c) Copyright 1997 ParaScope, Inc. More Fortean Slips! Share your views in the Fortean Slips message board!