The Curse of the Commies' Tomb: Will Lenin and Mao rise from their graves? Dead Commies A-Go-Go by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com Although Nikita Kruschev was notorious for his threatening intonation of "We will bury you," the evidence would suggest that he and his comrades lack familiarity with that style of funeral service. Communists have always had this creepy habit of stuffing and mounting their greatest party leaders, whose indefinite fate is to lie in state in the eye of the State. For a bunch of folks whose whole philosophy revolves around sharing with the collective and denouncing materialism, this is one instance in which commies have a hard time letting go. The two best known dead Reds above the earth today are Vladimir Ilyich Lenin and Mao Zedong. Their corpses have spent years on taxidermic vacations at their respective mausoleums, but all that may soon be changing. And it's more than just the recent upheavals in the affairs of world communism that's spelling a bold new era for Lenin and Mao's posthumous adventures. You might even call it... the Curse of the Commies' Tombs. Since his death in 1976, Chairman Mao's remains have been enshrined in a massive granite mausoleum on the southern side of Beijing's Tiananmen Square. Past an entrance room where a marble Mao sculpture sits not unlike the Lincoln Memorial, the Chairman's body lies inside a crystal sarcophagus, dressed in military regalia and draped in the red Communist Party flag. During China's "de-Maoification process" that began in 1979, there was much talk of dismantling the memorial hall and giving the body a less ostentatious interment, but Mao stayed right where he was. In April 1997, Mao's mausoleum embarked on a extensive regimen of repairs which were slated to keep it closed down for at least eight months. As it turns out, the memorial may never reopen. This looming possibility has nothing to do with politics or ill will toward Mao -- it's because of the mystical properties of feng shui. The ancient Chinese system of design and placement known as feng shui attempts to balance the flow of "qi energy" between objects and create a harmonious environment. Beijing and its imperial Forbidden City were mapped out thousands of years ago in accordance with this supernatural zoning code. Unfortunately, the more modern architects of the Mao mausoleum weren't up to speed on their feng shui, and the building's placement interferes with a major line of qi that stretches southward from the ancient home of the emperors. For this reason, there is talk of rerouting the life force in Tiananmen Square by moving Mao and his memorial to a more geometrically pleasing spot. If the relocation does take place, there remains the question of how the neighborhood qi flow negotiates the Beijing Kentucky Fried Chicken, squatting as it does directly below the mausoleum. One can only hope the Colonel's location is feng shui-lickin' good. Across the border to the west, Mao's Russian counterpart is similarly contemplating travel options in the near future. When Lenin died in 1924, his widow said his dying wish was to be buried beside his parents in St. Petersburg. But the party proceeded to erect a lavish mausoleum in Red Square, with Lenin's embalmed body placed on exhibit for the proletariat to cherish. Following the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, countless proposals have sought to bury Lenin as a great symbolic gesture. Boris Yeltsin has waffled on the issue, once vowing to grant Lenin a much-belated dirt nap, but later backpedaling for fear of inflaming the diehard Communist faithful. More recently, the shifting political climate has led Yeltsin to suggest that the disposal of Lenin's remains might be decided by a public referendum. The announcement stirred up discord among supporters as well as detractors of the 126-year-old Bolshevik. A resolution to block Yeltsin's proposal, entitled "Prevent an Act of Vandalism!," failed to pass in Moscow's Communist-dominated parliament. In protest, leftist extremists have bombed a monument to Tsar Nicholas II and tried to blow up a statue of Peter the Great. What would Lenin himself have to say about this fracas over his carcass? Individuals on each side of the argument have claimed to have Lenin's ghost on their side. Some say that his chemically-assisted preservation is an abomination of natural and spiritual law, and his soul will never rest in peace unless he is buried. "Grandfather Lenin can watch our every move from there," said one Red Square passerby outside the mausoleum. "As long as he remains unburied, his soul will seek revenge. How else can you explain the mess our country is in?" Conversely, there are those who insist that Lenin's body has become a sacred national artifact, and any attempt to disturb it will anger Lenin's spirit and invite disaster upon Russia. A communist newspaper editor cited the 1941 archaeological excavation of the tomb of Tamburlaine, which was followed two days later by Germany's attack on Russia. Once rooted in atheism, Russian Communists today are borrowing principles from the Bible and the Russia Orthodox Church to defend the sanctity of Lenin's mausoleum. Deceased for fifty years longer than Chairman Mao, Lenin's cadaver demands extensive maintenance to keep away that "not so fresh" feeling. A team of fifteen scientists regulates the tomb's humidity and temperature, and they perform minor restorations on his face and hands twice a week. Lenin also receives an annual moisturizing procedure, during which he gets soaked in a vat of chemical preservatives for a period of two months. If Lenin does end up getting buried, the sheer number of caretaker layoffs will demolish the Russian economy. Maybe unavoidable circumstances will force Mao and Lenin to get kicked out of their pads, but hopefully they can journey to exciting new places instead of suffering the indelicacies of decomposition. They should even team up and head out on the road together. Like Michael Moore once said, if the Stones and the Who can crawl out of their graves every few years and recapture the old magic, perhaps the time is ripe for a nostalgic reunion extravaganza: "Commiepalooza World Domination Tour: Better Dead AND Red!" Sources: Fortean Times "FortPort" newsletter; Electronic Telegraph; Reuters; Visit China '97; The Chairman Smiles (c) Copyright 1997 ParaScope, Inc. More Fortean Slips! Share your views in the Fortean Slips message board!