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impress friends and scare relatives with apparitions of the undead! |
by D. Trull
Enigma Editor
dtrull@parascope.com
If you want to learn how to win friends and influence people, or how to argue and win every time, there are bucketloads of books and instructional seminars out there promising to transform you instantly from a peon to a player. But none of that overpriced self-help crapola can compare to the dynamically impactful negotiating force of spirits from beyond the grave. From Hamlet's father to Obi-Wan Kenobi, it's been proven time and again that ghosts are far more effective at communicating and implementing their agenda paradigms than anyone drawing breath -- especially when they're all vengeful and stuff.
Some enterprising self-starters out there may be wondering: "Why should ghosts hoard this tremendous positioning advantage all for themselves? Isn't there some way I, too, may profit from the bargaining tactics of disquiet souls from the afterworld?"
Yes, you can! Read on for a lesson in how one man put the power of haunting to work for him -- without even being dead!
It all began after a Welshman named Louis McKenna passed away in the town of Buckley, Clwyd, back in 1995. His surviving family entered into a nasty squabble over his estate of 60,000 pounds, or about $98,000 American. McKenna willed one third of his net worth to his widow Freda and two ninths to their daughter. The remainder was split among McKenna's four other children from a previous marriage, who got only one ninth each. This unequal distribution of cash led to a fair amount of wrangling between the four eldest siblings and their stepmother.
About four months after her husband's death, the 62-year-old Mrs. McKenna began receiving strange phone calls. At first, the calls were just strange wailing sounds with the caller hanging up without saying a word. The persistent mysterious caller later began to speak, while the chorus of spooky moanings continued in the background:
"It's Louis here. When are you going to carry out my wishes?"
Mrs. McKenna was terrified. Still in mourning for her husband, she was immensely disturbed by the calls and not exactly sure what to make of them. But then she listened closely to the eerie ghost cries in the distance, which she finally recognized as the voice of her stepson.
John McKenna, 41, was brought to court on charges of telephone harassment and impersonating his dead father. Traces on the haunting calls revealed that they had been placed from his mobile phone. McKenna refused to name the accomplice who portrayed the voice of his father's ghost. He was found guilty of making nuisance phone calls, sentenced to a 12-month probation period and ordered to pay $120 in court costs.
So maybe John McKenna's little scheme was more worthy of a bad Scooby-Doo villain than Dale Carnegie, but it's a start. He has boldly trailblazed the way into the exciting new lucrative opportunities offered by ghostly extortion, leaving valuable guidelines for those who follow:
1. Cellular phones are an indispensable tool for the faux phantom financier on the go, but never use your own unit for placing haunt calls.
2. Carefully engineer your spectral admonitions to optimize complete throughput of your objectives; e.g. "Freda, give John all the damn money! I always loved him best, you worthless hag!"
3. No matter how tempting it may be, always resist the urge to provide your own neato scary ghost noises.
Keep these simple rules in mind, and you too can learn the empowerment secrets that make poltergeists hands down the most effective of all known movers and shakers!
Source: The Times (London)
(c) Copyright 1997 ParaScope, Inc.
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