Melanie Thompson's unexplained mishap would make a good sales pitch for asbestos undies. Spontaneous Panty Combustion by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com You know, folks, it's a sad, lonesome existence, writing for ParaScope: tirelessly investigating the paranormal, day and night (and weekends), I don't have much time left over for getting out and having any semblance of a social life. But once in a rare while, the trail of my research runs smack into a phenomenon that reminds me of what I've been missing, and kindles a passionate longing somewhere deep inside. This is such a story. This is the magical, real-life tale of the woman whose underwear spontaneously combusted. Melanie Thompson, a 25-year-old supermarket employee from Lancashire, England, was not running around half-naked at the time of the incident, nor was she smoking or hanging out near any source of open flames. Friends, this was a genuine miracle. Thompson was on duty at her cash register, fully dressed, when she felt a sharp, sudden pain from below the belt that she thought was a bee sting. She discovered with horror that wisps of smoke were billowing from under her pants. Thompson ran to the restroom and stripped out of her burning panties, a lacy black number made of polyamide, polyester and Lycra, which she doused in the sink. She finished out the rest of her shift without underwear, and afterwards discovered that the smoldering drawers had left a 3-inch scar on her behind. Thompson returned the panties to the place of purchase, Marks & Spencer, which tested the garment for any defects that might have caused it to burst into flames. Not surprisingly, the store found nothing wrong, and proposed that some sort of outside contaminant had sparked the incident. "We believe they must have come into contact with some kind of acidic substance," a spokesman for Marks & Spencer said. Thompson denied this possibility, pointing out that there are no such acids present in her work environment, and any flammable material splashed on her body should have caused widespread burning, when in fact the rest of her clothing was completely unscorched. But she did accept a gift certificate for ten pounds from Marks & Spencer "as a sincere gesture of good will," which surely must disappoint settlement-hungry lawyers everywhere. If a lapful of hot coffee can snare a million bucks, just imagine what this must be worth. Another potential explanation for the char-broiled lingerie is that friction between the fabric of her clothing somehow amassed an explosive charge of static electricity. But a local fire expert said this theory was unrealistic. It seems that no one has any reasonable idea what force might have set these panties ablaze. Some women might insinuate that their sheer feminine sensuality would be enough to burn up their underwear, but the demure Miss Thompson has issued no such claims. And what do I think? I think I'm in love. To any geek like me whose life revolves around paranormal crap, an attractive young woman who has experienced an honest-to-goodness unexplained phenomenon, in her panties, is just about as perfect a dream girl as humanly possible. She's even better than Scully, Xena and the Borg chick from Voyager all rolled up into one. And just imagine how Beavis would feel about her! So until Anna Nicole Smith captures a live Bigfoot, I'll be carrying a torch for my hot little Melanie. And a fire extinguisher. Sources: Fortean Times #104, November 1997; Electronic Telegraph. © Copyright 1998 ParaScope, Inc. More Fortean Slips! Fortean Slips message board: Share your views