Let the End Times roll! If Armageddon is near, you might as well get front-row seats. Armageddonland by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com They say 2000, zero, zero Party over -- oops, out of time. So tonight I'm gonna party Like it's 1999. -- Prince Whether you believe the impending turn of the century occurs in 2000 or 2001 (and the latter really is correct), there's no doubt that we're in for a couple of hellacious New Year's festivities. The real question is deciding where to party. Try calling around for reservations, and you'll find that most ultra-swank hotels and resorts have been booked up for years. And forget about flying anywhere, since the dreaded "2000 Bug" will have every jet on the planet grounded. Will you be stuck in your living room, watching Dick Clark on TV, on the night when Jesus could return and the forces of darkness might shatter the earth? Well, your millennial party plans still have a chance at redemption. Israel has announced plans to develop new tourist attractions and accommodations at ground zero itself, the biblical city of Armageddon. Just in case the world does come to an end, you might as well have a front-row seat. The city's actual name is Megiddo, whereas "Armageddon" is Hebrew for "mountain of Megiddo." Located 45 miles northeast of Tel Aviv, its tactical position between trade routes made Megiddo the site of frequent battles in biblical times. Today Megiddo is a nondescript Israeli town, noted as much for its archaeological digs and its maximum security prison as for its appearance in the Book of Revelation. Megiddo draws about 150,000 Christian vacationers a year, but these days tourist traffic has hit bottom throughout the Holy Land. The election of Benjamin Netanyahu, the slowing of the Middle East peace process and a wave of suicide bombings led the number of foreign visitors in the region to plummet 40% in 1996. Israel is anxious to do whatever it takes to get travelers coming back, short of ensuring that violence and bloodshed won't interfere with the sightseeing. The nation's trump card for tourism is Megiddo, whose apocalyptic associations are expected to attract millions of visitors on the eve of the millennium. A major Megiddo refurbishment project is underway, a development in which Netanyahu himself has taken a personal interest. A variety of new attractions is being assembled along the Armageddon mountainside, including a series of historical exhibitions, light shows and holograms, and biblical dramatizations by live actors. In addition to this "virtual Megiddo," there will be a "contemplation chamber" from which visitors may enjoy a panoramic view of Plain of Jezreel, the actual site specified as the final battlefield of good and evil. A 5,000-room luxury hotel is under construction in neighboring Nazareth for $200 million -- a fraction of the cost of the typical Las Vegas hotel. Better call and book your room now. Spokespersons for the Megiddo development are quick to play down any and all "the end is nigh" sensationalism. "Obviously what draws people is the association with Armageddon," said Ze'ev Margalit, the project's chief. "But the beauty of this place is that it has a 6,000-year history that can take people back to the dawn of civilization, a vibrant present and an apocalyptic future. It is a three-dimensional site." And yes, there will be a complete multimedia extravaganza devoted to the battle of Armageddon. Have they signed on Industrial Light and Magic to produce a digital lake of fire and computer-generated Four Horsemen? Margalit has decried the notion of a gaudy "Disneyland of the apocalypse," promising that the subject matter will be handled with due reverence. "There are a lot of different ideas on how to deal with this," he said. "It is easy to get kitsch and we must avoid that. So we will leave a lot to the imagination." It doesn't take much to imagine the benefits Israel stands to gain from Armageddonland. The revenue to be collected from the doom-hungry masses should blow all previous tourism records to Kingdom Come. Furthermore, Netanyahu supports the project as part of his political agenda to promote evangelical tourism by Americans. He wishes to curry favor with the Republican party and the U.S. Christian far right, as leverage against Clinton and other Democrats who favor having Israel give up land to the Palestinians. Waging this shadowy campaign at the mount of Megiddo seems only just. Party on, Bebe! Let the End Times roll! Sources: The Sunday Times (London); Wartburg College Megiddo Page (http://www.wartburg.edu/inside/israel/Megiddo.html) (c) Copyright 1997 ParaScope, Inc. The Quack of the Bumblebee Beauty Queen Sacrifice More Fortean Slips What do you think? Tell us in the message boards!