Ashes to edibles, dust to dinner? Is immortality worth all this? The Cremation Cannibal From the Files of Fortean Slips by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com Cannibalism. Along with murder, incest and listening to Kathie Lee Gifford albums, it tops the all-time list of things that humans should not do. But let's be open-mided for a minute and ask ourselves: is it possible that something good could be said for making a meal of your own species? Granted, there are plenty of Jeffrey Dahmer/Hannibal Lecter types who are just plain evil. They enjoy eating human flesh for no better reason than being psychotic. Other cannibals, though, can rationalize their dietary selections as being purposeful, such as certain tribes that eat the remains of deceased elders in hopes of gaining their wisdom. Now those guys just might be onto something. It's not out of the question that knowledge and other attributes could be transmitted to the eater from the eaten, believe it or not. There have been scientific tests in which planarian worms were taught to swim through a maze, then killed, chopped up, and fed to untrained planarian worms. The cannibalistic worms were able to negotiate the maze immediately. Whether a phenomenon observed in teensy invertebrates can possibly apply to our infinitely more complex physiology is far from certain. But so long as no wise men are killed for the express purpose of going on the menu, and their flesh is free of disease or contamination, and it's okay with the next of kin, there's not much harm in folks giving this theory a try. Still not ready to see if we really taste like chicken? Fair enough... but what if the payoff for turning cannibal was not merely instant brain power, but eternal life? And what if the flesh was cooked so thoroughly that you couldn't even taste it? I mean, really, REALLY well done? Such conditions were good enough for Rodney Hines, a California resident who was recently arrested on charges of stealing and eating the remains of four persons. Hines explained to police he believed that doing so would enable him to live forever. Unlike Dahmer and Lecter, Hines did not kill the people he ate. In fact, what he had stolen was cremated ashes. Hines ingested the ashes by sprinkling them on regular food and by snorting them. After hearing Hines's "bragging" about his immortality scheme, an acquaintance tipped off the local police. The authorities in Chico, California, had been investigating the disappearance of several urns from a local cemetery. Hmm... dry, odorless, no taste, not too overwhelmingly gross, possibility of eternal life... Hines definitely needs consulting on materials procurement and marketing, but I think he's on the right track with this. First, he's got to get bunches of people to sign some kind of organ-donor card, turning over all rights to their ashes when they die. Then he'll be set for the rest of his considerable life when he introduces the world to the miracle of... "Rodney's Own" Brand Eterna-Flakes! An infinity of taste in every box! Also available in collectible decanters and your choice of flavors: Forever Chocolate, Ceaseless Strawberry, Methuselah Mint and Soylent Green. (c) Copyright 1996 ParaScope, Inc. Next: Esophagus Exorcism Fortean Slips Index What do you think? Tell us in the message boards!