A Rabbi's proposed "pork bullet" would kill by tearing arteries rather than clogging them. Pork Ammo Kills Terrorists Dead From the Files of Fortean Slips by D. Trull Enigma Editor dtrull@parascope.com With the collapse of communism and and the diminished spectre of nuclear armageddon, a new terror has risen up to claim the vacant mantle of ultimate evil against humanity: cholesterol. We have seen the enemy, and it is pork. While it's unequivocally true that bacon tastes good and pork chops taste good, it seems a woefully valid corollary that the wonderful stuff'll kill ya. At least we stalwart champions of the other white meat can seek succor in one truth, as we feast upon our beloved fatback biscuits and sausage rolls dipped in mayo: death by pork takes time. It usually takes a few decades of hearty eatin' before its greasy goodness sends us waddling to hog-fat heaven. Or it did, before the advent of the lard bullet. Regular old-fashioned homicide by ham wasn't good enough for Moshe Antelman. Rabbi, chemist and imaginative gun buff Antelman has, according to Fortean Times, developed a superweapon for use against Islamic terrorists. He has manufactured bullets that have particles of pork embedded inside them. Based on the widespread belief that physical contact with pig flesh spells death and damnation for Muslims, this lard-laced ammo could render even a minor wound lethal. Such a casualty would mark the first time that cholesterol kills by ripping arteries apart, rather than quietly clogging them up. Until the Pentagon finds a practical means of injecting five million fat grams into an enemy's bloodstream, causing instant heart failure, Antelman's adipose artillery will remain the sole offensive military application of pork. Not counting the U.S. Army's legendary "shit on a shingle." (The precise "meat" contained therein remains a issue of national security.) Personally, I don't feel terribly threatened by the Rabbi's meaty munitions. And that's not just because I'm not a Muslim. See, if you shot me with this stuff, I believe my body would harmlessly absorb the slugs like so much Vienna sausage, thanks to my fastidiously built-up immunity to lard in all its forms. Those unfortunate non-Islamic folks who happen to be health nuts and vegetarians, of course, would not share this advantage. For instance, I imagine a few rounds of pork bullets would be particularly effective on Richard Simmons. (c) Copyright 1996 ParaScope, Inc. Next: Buttered Stonehenge Fortean Slips Index What do you think? Tell us in the message boards!