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can be lonely. Better make those post-mortem wedding plans now! |
From the Files of Fortean Slips
by D. Trull
Enigma Editor
dtrull@parascope.com
It can really be tough to meet that special someone. When personal ads and dating services and blind dates just aren't able to hook you up with Mr. or Mrs. Right, there remains one final solution that's rescued the lovelorn in China for centuries. It might be just the ticket to eternal happiness for star-crossed would-be lovers:
Wait and get married after you're dead.
A traditional Chinese superstition indicates that single people will suffer great misery when they die, having no mate to accompany them into the great beyond. To spare bachelors and bachelorettes this fate, there is a practice of performing marriages between dead couples and burying them with one another. The bride and groom need not have even met in this life. Female corpses are sold to grieving families on a regular basis, the goods in this bizarre trafficking referred to as "ghost brides."
Two Beijing men were arrested on charges of exhuming and stealing the corpses of two women which they sold as ghost brides last year. The two brothers-in-law, named Zhang and Cheng, were apparently running a bargain-basement outfit, charging only $241 and $120 for these cadaver companions.
Hopefully, there are other, more reputable ghost bride dealers (and ghost husband dealers) who acquire prospective spouses for their clients through legitimate means. And if there aren't, by golly, there ought to be. Just look at how perfect this romantic set-up is for all of us who find it impossible to make a lasting commitment! With a ghost spouse, you never have to worry about divorce or alimony or who gets the kids. It's an arrangement that's equally ideal for career-driven yuppies who can't squeeze a relationship into their calendars and for procrastination-bound slackers who'd rather put off hard stuff like this till later. Incompatibilities and annoying little habits like leaving the cap off the toothpaste are not an issue.
And if a mutually posthumous marriage still doesn't strike your fancy, consider this: when it comes to 100% guaranteed safe sex, not even masturbation can top it.
(c) Copyright 1996 ParaScope, Inc.
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