Anakin Skywalker will appear
in the new "Star Wars" saga,
but Darth Vader has already
been spotted in Ohio.
The Empire Strikes Beer
From the Files of Fortean Slips
by D. Trull
Yes, folks, you can take your Kenner action figures out of mothballs and see if those Boba Fett Underoos still fit, because it's really, truly, finally going to happen: we're set to round out the millennium with the most anticipated event in cinematic history, the continuation of the Star Wars saga.
Following the twentieth anniversary special editions of the original movies, the all-new prequel trilogy is scheduled to begin hitting theaters in 1999. In Episodes I-III, we'll learn the story of Anakin Skywalker and his temptation into the dark side of the Force.
But somewhere in Ohio, Darth Vader has already returned. Several years early and without George Lucas's knowledge, admittedly, but the Empire's top bad-ass is back and just as evil as we all fondly remember.
A man entered a Union Township convenience store at 3 a.m. on May 6th, wearing a complete Darth Vader uniform. Helmet, cape, Hebrew-inscribed flashing respirator unit, the whole nine parsecs. With brazen impudence befitting the Dark Lord of the Sith, the man selected two 12-packs of beer and left without paying.
Police report that one of the two clerks on duty at the Super America store pursued the thief outside, but backed off when the faux fallen Jedi brandished a weapon: not a lightsaber, but a handgun.
Well, okay: as acts of evil go, armed robbery doesn't quite rank up there with obliterating your daughter's adopted home planet or slicing off your son's right hand. And the real Darth Vader would simply have used the Force to crush the clerks' windpipes, or at least announced to them, "This isn't the Bud Light you're looking for. I can go about my business. Move along." But heck, this guy did manage to pull a gun on somebody while toting a couple of 12-packs -- so maybe he had some kind of beer levitational powers, at least.
It is not known if Lord Vader remembered to grab some straws.
(c) Copyright 1996 ParaScope, Inc.